How do you parent?

This morning was not one of my finest parenting moments... I wish I could say it won't ever happen again, that I've learned from my mistakes and will now be more effective instead of affected but that would be a lie.  I am human... I have a temper... I hate to be disrespected.  I also want to raise responsible, driven, respectful, and empathic children and expect a great deal from them.  They are capable of it and it is required in our household.  To have blatant disregard for others and for what is asked of you is not tolerated... throw in some self entitlement and a know it all attitude and you've got yourself the behavior I witnessed from 2 of our 4 children last night and this morning.

When I first sat down to blog about this I was angry... way too angry.  I typed up several sentences all stating how completely appalled I was at them, particularly the Teenager.  None of it was sitting right with me though... yes, their behavior was appalling, that was accurate but there was something I was missing.  Then I spoke to a friend and realized my responses were too tied up in how I perceived their behaviors and actions to reflect on my parenting skills rather than viewing them as their own persons with free will.  Yes, they were wrong, they did not do what they were told to do, they ignored explicit instructions numerous times and when consequences were given there was more disrespect.  They did not own their mistakes and instead they chose to argue and lie, but, it wasn't personal.  It wasn't about me... it wasn't because we didn't teach them any better.

I will say it again, they were wrong.  They will be wrong again and again... they are 9 and 14... they will make lots of mistakes.  How can I be effective though?  How can I help them to see that their choices and lack of responsibility is not a short cut.  It will not help them?  Taking the easy way out doesn't work.  Not taking responsibility for your actions and choices, needing to place the blame on someone else is not acceptable.  It seems these are near impossible habits to break.  We continuously correct the behavior.  We try to teach them how this mentality will backfire but they haven't learned it yet.  We are always there demanding that they fix things before it's too late and the consequences are greater... particularly for the teenager.  Because we are the ones presenting them with the consequences I don't believe they've been able to make the connection.

How do I get them to understand that our punishments are nothing compared to what they would suffer later?  How do I keep it together when it happens for the millionth time?  How do you not lose your cool?

*on a side note... I googled positive parenting and one of the first sentences in link that came up said "Every parent goes through times when they want to shout at their kids to get their point across,".  I found this highly amusing... do you think this person really has kids?  I promptly closed the link.  ;)

Self fulfilling prophecy

The Teenager joined the wrestling team this year and it's become an amazing outlet for him.  He has always seemed to have an immeasurable amount of energy and the 3 hour practices 6 days a week really help take care of that.  ;)  It took us, him, awhile to find the right sport... baseball is too slow, by the time the ball was actually hit to him he was in another world, Soccer and Basketball were a little better but they took too much attention and multitasking, wrestling on the other hand is perfect.  It's one on one, the matches aren't terribly long, and it allows for so much sensory input that he's good for hours upon hours after practice.  It's like getting 3 hours of intensive occupation therapy in a sensory room made just for him!  Amazing!

We were able to attend our first meet today.  Unfortunately, the Teenager didn't have a match since there was no one in his weight class on the other team but I am sure I would be re-missed in not at least mentioning that he is 2 and 0 right now.  We did get to see his friend wrestle his first match though and also stayed to watch the majority of the matches.  It's been awhile since I've been to a wrestling meet... 15 years or so... and I must say that my perspective hasn't changed much.  Still not sure I can grasp the desire to roll around on smelly mats while smushed against someone else's sweaty body all the while trying to grasp and grapple at your opponent so that you might be able to hold him down long enough to win.  It's all looks so painful and icky!

But then I continued to watch these boys face off and I couldn't help but see how driven they each were.  They wanted it... they wanted to win... and they were giving it all they had.  What really stood out though was the level of respect they all showed each other.  I was so impressed!  Kids, especially teenage boys, get such a bad rap... it seems we always hear how selfish they are, how they're lacking respect and any type of human decency, I am guilty of the same accusations too, but that isn't what I saw today.  They were all kind to each other and they were even very respectful to the opposing team.  There was a wonderful sense of comradery.  The older, more experienced boys were there encouraging and mentoring their younger teammates and the younger kids were in such awe.  I could feel the pride they each have in their team and I was proud of them.

To me this speaks to two factors... The coaches must be doing a phenomenal job with these boys.  They are instilling such a sense of self worth in them that it is gifted upon all those that they cross paths with.  If we teach our child that they are valuable and that each person is worth that same sense of value then they will rise up to that.  Which brings me to the second factor... When we expect greatness and integrity from "our" children then that is more than likely what we will be met with.  They are capable and of achieving amazing things.  They are also able to do so while helping others along the way.

Trust me, I know how infuriating they can be, and it doesn't start at 13!  But with some extra patience (please don't ask me where to find that though) and the belief that everything we instil in them is there, just waiting for the moment to come out and shock the hell out of us, we will make it through the teenage years... and they will too.

"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them become what they are capable of becoming." -- Goethe