Strength

Have you ever felt so much pride in someone it was actually palpable?  The kids do lots of things that make me proud... the positive choices they make, effort put into school work, selfless actions they do for others, there are many times when I feel pride in my children but yesterday was different.  I was amazed, in awe.

The Monkey's MRI was scheduled for 11:30, we arrived a few minutes early to check in and got comfortable in the waiting room... for an hour and a half.  Now, that's a long time for anyone to wait, never mind a 7 year old that is feeling anxious about what's coming.  A friend of a friend came out to check on us and talked to the Monkey for quite some time, explaining things and making small talk.  He was much more relaxed after and I was so thankful.  We played lots of games and the Monkey was doing well... I was pretty confident that he was going to come out of this with shining colors.

Once we were called in and walked down the long hallway to the MRI room everything changed.  I'm pretty sure it was a combination of lots of different things but all in all it was an assault on every. single. one. of his senses.  Between the smell in the room (you know, that hospital smell) which triggered memories of all his other visits, to the sheer size of the machine, and everything else, my poor sweet boy lost it.  He was begging that they allow him to come back another day and promised he wouldn't be upset next time, he kept saying he just couldn't do it today.  He was getting more and more anxious by the second and really seemed unable to hear or at least focus on what I was saying.  Within less than 5 minutes he was in a full blown panic attack.  The Monkey was sweating, heart pounding, hardly able to catch his breath, and in such obvious emotional and physical distress... it was heart wrenching.  He turned to run out of the room and his legs were barely able to carry him.  (If you have ever had an anxiety attack you know how debilitating they care be and how scary the symptoms are, especially when you don't know what's happening to you.  If you haven't click this... anxiety attack)

I brought him into the bathroom and tried to calm him down.  We did some deep breathing and lots of deep pressure to try to bring him back.  He calmed a bit and I was able to talk to him about how having the MRI while awake was scary but so much better than being sedated and then admitted for 24-48 hours.  My little Monkey agreed immediately.  I also explained that it was his choice, it had to be done at some point, but whether it happened at that moment or not was his choice.  When I was confident that he understood he was in control, that there was nothing in that room that could touch him, hurt him, or put him to sleep, and that I would be with him and in his view the entire time, we tried again.

This time he allowed me to lay on the table with the mask or cage, whatever it's called, over my face and be put in the tube, all the while I was telling him that nothing hurt and he was going to be ok.  Once he couldn't see my face he wanted me out immediately.  We left the room one more time and I told him again that it was his choice but that I also knew he could do it.  I told him how I hated to see him sedated when he didn't need to be and that I wanted him to be home... to be happy and playing, not having to stay at the hospital.  Something clicked and he agreed immediately.  His resolve was tangible.  The change in his posture, his expression... it was amazing, he's amazing.

He marched back into that room, let me lay him down on the table and held still for the entire scan!  He had tears in his eyes, his heart was pounding, and he had me lay across his legs holding onto his hands the entire time but he did it and it was the biggest display of strength and bravery I have ever seen.  My little Monkey went from a full blown panic attack to completing a full MRI.  He amazes me.  He humbles me.  I have never been prouder in my life.